A feewrite about passion and purpose and stuff...

As far as my dream goes, I’m working towards it slowly. I’m going to school, working, and keeping busy. But mostly I just feel like I’ve been wasting my time. I’m starting to wonder what’s really important. What should I really be doing with my time? What should I really spend my money on?

In the past I’ve had lots of struggles in school. I still do. I just didn’t see what the point was. Why do I need to study to pass their tests when the real test of life will have nothing to do with any of it? Why do I need to read books they assign me? If I read the same thing everyone else is reading then I’ll have the same thoughts and feelings as them. I don’t want to conform to what society and other people want me to be. If I’m going to write a paper on a book then why do I have to write what the teacher wants me to write? I hear all the time that teacher complain about reading the same paper over and over again. Well why don’t they let the students free write? Are they afraid that students might actually have an idea or two of their own? I imagine that many good teachers out there has lost they jobs because they failed to step in line and follow the masses. Like in the movies Donnie Darko and this other one with Robin Williams. The true test is how you live from day to day. Are you the kind of person who will return a lost wallet are are you the kind that steals from others? The true test is survival and how you feel about yourself. “Yourself” as in the you behind the façade of being in public.

I feel so conflicted because of this article I read by Steve Jobs. He gave seven reasons why ppl will never do anything amazing with their lives. https://medium.com/life-learning/2a1841f1335d

He was told to skip two years in elementary school because he scored so high on their tests. He was very smart ever since the beginning. He got into his career early at 13 and it was a snowball effect. Until the company he helped found basically kicked him to the curb. I’m sad that he is dead… I remember I took a computer class in 2010 and he came up in one of our lessons. A student was surprised because the ppl who we read about in textbooks are all dead people. It’s like humans worship the dead more than the living. I don’t agree with this but it’s happened too many times where someone will not get famous until they are dead. Van Goh for example. When he was alive no one wanted his paintings ppl actually had to be paid to display his work. But now the paintings are worth millions of dollars… It’s frustrating. The quote that has me thinking the most from Steve job’s list is, “Because I will recklessly abandon all insecurities and expose my true self to the world I will become immune to the impact of your opinion and stand naked in a crowd of ideas; comfortable knowing that you married the mundane and I explored the exceptional.” He wasn’t afraid to be who he was because he was an exceptional person. I want this. I want to boldly call myself an exceptional person someday.

Too many times I catch myself falling in line and doing as others do. Watching what everyone else watches and listening to music just because everyone else does.

I get so frustrated by other ppl who think that just bkz they have higher grades that that entitles them to be stuck up bigots. There is a certain euphoria in getting the highest grade on something. Like you did better than everyone, but it that really going to make you a better person? Maybe according to the masses, but what about you personally? A lot of the time I think it’s just better to keep your mouths shut than open it.

I think one of the biggest problems with youth today is that they don’t read. If they do it’s the misspelled rants and raves of their friends on facebook. I get sick to my stomach around some people because of their ignorance and stupidity. They care more about having a pretty face than having a good heart. Not good in the Christian sense, but in a way that means they are not going out to rob liquor stores or play the knockout game. Someone that has values and morals. People don’t understand that there is an infinite ocean of information and value in the words of the people who came before us. I am guilty of not having read much of what was written. I want to change that though…

I think a lot of the time people, me too, are lacking in curiosity. They just don’t care about reading between the lines or finding the hidden meanings of symbols and life. I ask myself puzzling unanswered questions every day. I think people, including me, really needs to start asking the Matrix question. Is this all real? Is what I’m seeing on tv and “reality shows” actually reality? What is real and what is just imagined? I forget where I heard this, but someone said that everything we see, even now, is partially real and partially imagination. I just watched a movie The Black Swan where this ballerina was so far into her fantasy that she killed herself with ought realizing it but didn't notice till it was too late. The story is heart wrenching too because she achieved her ultimate dream of pulling off a perfect show, but to do so, she gave up her life as payment.

I noticed too that a lot of ppl don’t defeat their own arguments before they blurt them out to the world. I find it hard to speak publicly for this reason. I second guess everything so when I try to describe something or explain my beliefs, I get tongue tied and lose track of what I’m trying to say. I’m constantly coming up with different ways of seeing things that sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts. I usually don’t share my thoughts and opinions unless I’m put on the spot and asked personally what I think.

So what the hell do we do about all this stuff? I think that, like matter, that by merely looking at it, it changes. Just by talking about and sharing these things that people will start to change. Unless of course they are unlike me in that they want to live a mundane, uneventful life inventing Velcro. My plan is to take it day by day… one step at a time. I want to ask myself more often, what else could I be doing right now? How is watching these silly shows going to help me in the long run? What could I do to learn more about whatever/anything/anyone? If I see someone who really inspires me, I want to learn more about them. Like who are their role models? Who do they look up to and idolize and why? The world is a scary place, but it's important to ask these questions regardless of what might be the answer.